Hiding and virtue and getting real….
“Be careful not to mistake a fear of being seen for humility.
It's a convenient virtue to hide behind when we're afraid to step fully into our life.”
- Cory Muscara.
Mid summer, I got an opportunity to take time off. If you know me at all, you probably understand that “time off” sounds like Greek so this space was … let’s just say, “a growing edge”.
In my case, I claimed that it was all about “sacred pause and mindful rest”, which felt very zen and fancy. But if I’m truly honest, what was underneath my “sacred pause” was a deep impulse to hide. I’d spent the past couple years out in front of people with my hopes and dreams out on the table, only to then go through what felt to me like a monumental screw up. It left me feeling vulnerable. I felt deeply self-conscious and scared that people were going to be as hard on me as I was already being on myself.
Why do I (we?) do this to ourselves?
Why are we so afraid of being judged by everyone? Especially when deep down we know that (a) most people aren’t even paying attention and (b) in the end, the one who’s typically hardest on us is…. us?
I’ve learned that blaming and shaming ourselves into growth never works. And even if we have an army of cheerleaders following us around and pumping us up 24/7, in the end it’s up to us. It’s up to ME to be ok with ME. It’s up to YOU to get ok with YOU.
I definitely don’t regret taking some solo time to myself this past summer. My house is cleaner. I saw some beautiful places. I slept. And I learned that alone time won’t heal me if I show up to it from a space of fear. There’s no one right way to uplift ourselves. Do what feels true and sparks clarity. Whether it’s alone on a mountaintop or in the arms of friends and family.
Like all of us, I’m learning and am a messy work in progress. I’m getting better at re-writing my plans and rolling with life. And not being ashamed of any of it! And I’m here for you if you need a sympathetic ear. Reach out to me!
